Tea With Republicans (2011)

 Originally published as a Facebook Note August 14, 2011.

I would rather be cold and alone than with Rick Santorum

Immediate apologies for the lyrical but misleading title. I have not had tea with any politicians this year. In fact, in contrast to four years ago, there was nothing in the way of any type of refreshment at campaign events this year. I did see some people with water bottles at the Herman Cain event, but didn't see where they got them. In 2007 Robbie and I had pizza on Tommy Thompson, fer cryin out loud. 

Having seen five of the Republican presidential candidates this year, I hereby provide some impressions. Since you probably don't care about politics, or if you do might be offended by political commentary, I will confine myself to impressions of their personalities. Who would I like to go to a ballgame with, or have coffee at Brewed Awakenings? If you want actual content, I commend Keenan Laraway's commentary on last week's debate. 

The rankings will probably tell you more about me than about the candidates. I did not see Newt Gingrich, or his trophy wife; Thaddeus McCotter, whose existence I am coming to doubt; or Mitt Romney, though I saw him give two or three angry speeches in 2007 as well as a sloppily sentimental commencement address at Coe in 2006. You're on your own if you want to meet them for a game. 

1. Tim Pawlenty (July 26, Washington). The former Governor of Minnesota comes across as quiet for a politician, nice and sensible. We could talk about the Twins, or the designated hitter rule, or when it's appropriate to sacrifice or steal when you're ahead. Unfortunately for his candidacy, quiet, nice and sensible won't get you very far this year. He's already dropped out. Which should leave him time for a Kernels game or two before the season ends.
2. Ron Paul (August 2, Iowa City). US Representative from Texas is jovial, self-deprecating after a fashion, and shows a surprising-for-a-politician reluctance to engage in personal criticism. He's 75 and garrulous, with a penchant for citing obscure books in support of his libertarian philosophy. He'd be like hanging with your friendly grampa, if your grampa got obsessed with the 19th century French writer Bastiat.
3. Herman Cain (August 9, Cedar Rapids). Bluff, friendly retired CEO who touts his business experience as just what the Presidency needs. He'd make excellent company if only I didn't have Gerry Rafferty in my head singing, "You started off with nothing and you say that you're a self made man/And you fancy I'll come calling, slap you on the back and say PLEASE!" He also must leave his traveling companions at home if he wants to hang with me. Unctuous country singer Paul Ruark, big-haired Krista Branch, and the barking retired army colonel Michael Steele are scary and not welcome.
4. Michele Bachmann (June 27, Waterloo). US Representative from Minnesota who is beloved of the Tea Party and who has successfully toned down her shoot-from-the-hip reputation in order to focus on the need to make Barack Obama a one-term President. If anything she may have over-corrected, as her speech was rushed and her answers to questions artlessly rote, turning inevitably to the need to make Barack Obama a one-term President. I don't imagine a conversation with her would get very far; she comes across as robotic, especially when she repeats herself, on subjects like the need...
5. Living by myself in a cave with no human contact, coffee or baseball, for a year.
6. Rick Santorum (July 28, Mt. Pleasant). To start with the positives, he has the courage of his convictions: instead of promising that after the repeal of Obamacare all our health care problems will be solved through the magic of the market, he points out that there are no problems. People who can't afford health insurance don't deserve to be given it, and if they are the rest of us will have to wait longer for the care we deserve. Another positive is that despite a 45-minute heated harangue, never once did flecks of spittle escape his mouth. On the downside, it is hard to overstate the repellant nature of his public personality. He is all angry, all the time, no sense of humor, no compassion for anyone except those like him who have to put up with all the people he's angry at. He'd be good company only for those who get off on being angry, which I don't.